Sunday, 17 December 2017

It's Ok Not to Be OK

I'll be honest with you here, I woke up on Wednesday morning crying... I have not been in the same state of mind I usually am. A combination of things had built up and I was feeling fed up, drained, confused, and out of touch with the real world to put it candidly. 

As my boyfriend said to me at that morning, I do go through down periods every six months or so, questioning my treatments for my condition, what is going to happen to my life now, why don't those around me understand the severity of my conditions, ...the list of fears and complaints is truly endless and they continuously spiral around in my head, and most days I shrug them off and continue my list of goals, my duties for the day, giving myself self-love, being surrounded with my loved ones. 

However, it is clear, when I have let some of these things slip, may be I haven't been honest with those around me and keep putting on a brave face and agreeing to do things that may worsen my condition, instead of simply asking if there can be a bit of a reshuffle due to my conditions. Less sleep, whether this might be due to insomina, symptoms during the night or just generally fatigued, it can really impact your mindset. 

I took a look around me and realized of the many things I had taken on - one included my neighbours dog totally last minute without much warning at all, and not really much thanks or thought for my conditions. Which, I realised I wasn't clear enough about how my illnesses affect me and didn't ask if they could perhaps carry the dog bed over etc... Little adjustments to avoid having a huge exhausted crash at the end of the day! 

Another major factor for me can be comparison, yes with chronic conditions we need to adjust our lives slightly, i.e pacing, resting, recognizing our flares... it can sometimes feel like everyone else's lives are moving full speed ahead around you, and meanwhile you're battling your conditions. It is SO important to remember that no one has a perfect life, and many only share the fun side of their lives on social media, which when you have a chronic condition, makes us one of the most frank people out there - take a look here at all the things I have learnt so far with chronic illness and I am very grateful for- when I remind myself of all these things I now wouldn't change this experience for the world (yes, even a so called "perfect" one).  

I think the biggest lessons I have learnt from these small bump in the road, is that:

It is so crucial to speak to those around you and let them know you're not feeling great - in my case there was no hiding from my partner when he woke up to me bawling my eyes out! Opening up about how you feel is very important to avoid keeping it all to yourself 

Sometimes,just like it is important to be by yourself, it is also important that you have time with your loved ones. 

So, what I am trying to say is it is OK to feel a bit fed up, - I don't know anyone who feels 100% positive about life every second of the day; and to be honest it is exhausting!

"The Hopeful Chronic"

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