Tuesday, 20 June 2017

Chronic Illness IS Scary

I had planned to upload a blog post today of my short 'escape' to the country last week, however, I just couldn't truly upload another post whilst not letting my feelings been written raw, at 11:30pm at night, when I have been stuck in a bit of a hole that I am struggling to get out of.. I have never been diagnosed with depression, and have always been able to get myself back to 'normal'. Though, I was sent to a therapist specialising in long-term illnesses, by my GP when my conditions began to pile up after such a long time with no answers at all, she could see I was struggling to get my head around everything. Fortunately for me, I am lucky enough to have such a wonderful GP who has experienced having an illness turn her life around, and she recognised the array of emotions it can lead to.. 
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Image found on Pinterest


The therapist, of whom I saw for three appointments, didn't understand quite so much, and simply responded to many of my concerns that 'she could not imagine what I was going through and emotions had a roll on effect in many peoples stomachs'. Grrr!! Did this lady not understand my conditions? Had she heard of them? Experienced them in other patients? Researched my conditions explained in my GP's letter? It left me putting up yet more of a (unintentional) wall between everything, my conditions, my relationships, my emotions..

Too often it can feel SO lonely being diagnosed with a chronic condition, life becomes about the everyday as it comes rather than predicting and planning for the future... Despite being surrounded by an array of friends and family, (some of which try to support and uplift more than others) too often I am left feeling scared, alone, and out of my depth...

The weather here in London has been humid and hot, (our hottest June in twenty years!) in fact,  it has left me terrified to leave the house, every day since our heatwave I have collapsed at least seven times each day, I have experienced extreme temperature changes in my body when it cannot regulate itself, causing me too be shivering, full of goose-pimples, and wearing layers of clothes despite it averaging at 30oc outside! 

Living your life in your twenties, being healthy, full of energy, active, and making plans for your future, and to one day be told you have a chronic condition, that over time, things will get worse, you may be in a wheelchair permanently, you may go blind, you might never eat solid foods again,.. the list goes on. But mainly, it's not the domino effects that you are concerned about, yet it is simply the idea of uncertainty, and lack of control over your body, your life.. you question what will and will not be possible, but doctors (good, honest ones) can't guarantee, only speculate your future... As someone who loves to plan, organise and predict it truly feels like an unsettling time, and has left me feeling selfish, and pushing many of my loved ones away, you try to protect yourself, they cannot possibly understand, yet 

I am scared to post this as I think of all the people that I know that may read it family, friends, work colleagues, future colleagues, followers, haters, fellow chronic illness sufferers, haters, etc.. Sharing online for everyone and anyone to view that I am not doing ok is a daunting prospect, yet it is SO SO important to share these emotions for your mental health, even if that means I let all my emotions out in a blog post very late a night to get my feelings off my chest and make myself feel a little bit lighter.. 

I'm doing this so that you can see it's ok not to be ok. And hiding it from the world can just make it worse. 

I'm not sure how to end this post, but I guess my goal is that even if this blog post helps just one person, to recognise that you are not alone, whether you are going through an illness, personal issue, or whatever, and you need to share these feelings. Mental health affects everyone differently, and life can be fucking hard and it's ok to feel like shit, when you've been thrown a curveball... 

Overcoming these struggles only makes us stronger daily, and I am proud to be me. 

'Be kind for everyone is facing a battle you know nothing about'

The Hopeful Chronic



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