Friday, 12 May 2017

Accepting and Admitting That You're Feeling Unwell..

I have always been fiercely independent and stubborn. Since living with chronic illness, these three don't particularly combine very well. My conditions have caused so much havoc in relationships with those close to me, which I think has led to me struggle to open up and admit to those around me just how bad things are.

I often hear comments from people who are so optimistic about my condition, treatment and future. However, as much as I am always hopeful and determined for a better life with chronic illness, my heart also sinks knowing they don't know the half of what doctors have confirmed about my "now" life, and more problems on their way with my conditions.

That aside, even on a day-to-day basis purely admitting to those around you whether it may be your partner, friends,  family or the shopkeeper that you are not feeling well is something that I am striving to get better at it.

For instance, yesterday I was terribly unwell with my colonic inertia, I was unable to move from my bed without collapsing to the ground. The water I tried to sip on throughout the day inevitably came back up. I felt lethargic, fevered, nauseous and well and truly fed up.

So last evening, when my partner returned home from work, I was sure that by taking my mind away from my symptoms and preparing the dinner should do the trick. I kept assuring my partner that I was fine and didn't need any help. I am fortunate enough that although he doesn't always pick up on subtle hints or the "elephant" in the room, he knew I was in pain and how much I was suffering. Despite my insisting nature, I made the dinner, and continued to grab the walls as I shuffled around the kitchen.

Needless to say, I was sent to bed. Which, although I kept trying to preserve even when I was being shooed away, told I was going to be looked after I tried to wash up, prepare tea etc.

All it takes is for a symptom to abruptly enter your day, to occasionally wake you up and remind you just how sick you really are! Sure enough, I was sick and managed to collapse all within about half an hour. I was carried to my bed by my partner, clutching my stomach in agony and feeling a bit sorry for myself!

As I lay in bed in an immense amount of pain, hearing clatters from the kitchen, I  wished I was there to help my partner tidy up, it can feel like you are so restricted and trapped in your own home - all because of an illness.

Sometimes we persevere when we know we shouldn't. I think it's important to remember that those around you, whoever it may be won't judge you, if anything they will probably thank you for being so honest with them. We know our bodies and symptoms better than anyone else to speak out more.

All you have to do is stop judging yourself.


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